Interpersonal Expertise Tip: Practicing Honest Influencing (vs. Manipulation and Control)
February 5th, 2010
Whether we notice it or not, every day is filled with attempts to influence others – from what goals we want to pursue with others to what we will eat to how to raise our kids with our significant others. In other words, we are constantly negotiating with others. One of the major myths of negotiation is that one should “leave the table” feeling as though one has won or received what one wants at the expense of others.
This “me vs. you” negotiation mentality often leads to manipulative and controlling negotiations filled with traps and smoke screens. This may lead to short term victories, but in the end this style of interacting destroys the possibility of long-term, effective and satisfying relationships. Honest influencing and negotiation helps build a long term”win-win” relationship focusing on mutual benefit and success. When we learn how to negotiate with others honestly, even when others are not doing so with us, we add another piece of the Interpersonal Expertise puzzle.
Honest influencing can be practiced by understanding the value of “win-win” experiences for all involved and how to bring them about more frequently. Here are some ways people have been able to practice honest influencing:
- Become clear about the value on win-win experiences. Win-win is a term that has now become quite popular. Less popular than using the term is the actual attitude behind it. Many of us have been encouraged to use the terminology of win-win without enough encouragement to actually have a win-win mindset. In order to actually change our mindsets, we must view win-win as an approach that is better than simply thinking about our own interests. We have found that becoming clear how a win-win mindset is actually in our best interests is critical. From increased trust to more connection to longer-term relationships, win-win is worth the transition from dishonest and manipulative mindsets to truly honest influencing.
- Clarity the difference between honest influencing and dishonest manipulation. Sometimes we can have a desire to honestly influence others without the awareness that we are often dishonestly manipulating them. To practice more honest influencing, it can be helpful to know the many differences between the two approaches. For example, honest influencing requires non-threatening non-verbals, true valuing of others’ opinions and emotions, and shared decision-making. Dishonest manipulation often relies on threatening non-verbals (stares or intimidating silences), mind games (like put-downs or humiliation), and/or marginalizing opinions of those who disagree with us (making these opinions seem “crazy” or “naive”).
- Increase the amount of honest influencing in your life (and decrease the amount of dishonest manipulation). The path from dishonest manipulation to honest influencing can take practice and time. It is often unrealistic to assume that we can move from one mindset to the other in quick and easy ways. One common barrier to this transition is having to deal with dishonest manipulation in others while we attempt to deal with them in more honest ways. Practicing more honest influencing can be facilitated by beginning to minimize interactions with those who do not seem to value honest influencing (slowly, if necessary) while seeking out friends, clients and bosses who value this mindset more. This does not have to happen overnight (for example, many of us cannot afford to quit a job with a manipulative boss right now), but with a commitment to more honest influencing, we can slowly make the transition (for example, keep our eyes open for other job opportunities with bosses that practice more honest influencing).
NOTE TO THOSE USING THE MISSION FULFILLMENT SYSTEM: You can move toward practicing more honest influencing by adding a new Objective to your system by using the “Add New Item” link (for example, “Practice more honest influencing”). You can then develop a SMART Goal related to that new Objective by using the “Add Subitem” link to the far right of the new Objective (for example, “Identify people who seem to value win-win outcomes and spend more time around them.”).
FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT ON THE MISSION FULFILLMENT SYSTEM: Click here to for more information and click here to sign up.
FINAL NOTE: If you were linked to this article by a video or email, please return to that link and proceed with any other instructions that you deem helpful. For more Execution Excellence and Interpersonal Expertise tips and tools visit our site at: www.excellencetree.com
Article Filed under: Interpersonal Expertise Tips
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