Interpersonal Expertise Tip: Engage in Honest, Respectful, Empathic (HRE) Communication
February 6th, 2010
Almost all of us have experienced the problems that miscommunication often brings about in our lives. Many people report that much of the dissatisfaction and conflict they experience is caused by being (or at least feeling) misunderstood by well-meaning others. We can avoid this unnecessary pain by expressing our views in honest, respectful and empathic ways and encouraging others to do the same with us. Establishing such communication styles can open the door to more “direct” discussions; the kind of communication that is free of dishonest manipulation or attacks and filled with genuineness and respect for all parties (including ourselves).
Increased engagement in honest, respectful and empathic communication respects the boundaries, uniqueness and limitations of ourselves and others. More honesty tends to increase our trust in ourselves and in others, more respect can increase openness and more empathy can set a tone of comfort and understanding. Here are some ways people have been able to cultivate more “HRE” Communication in their lives:
- Become clear about what honest, respectful, empathic (HRE) communication is (and what it is not). There are many misconceptions about what it means to communicate in an HRE way. For example, true honesty does not mean “saying the first thing that comes to mind.” To be truly honest means that we spend the time to become deeply aware of how we experience the situations we are in and practice expressing these perceptions precisely. “You are such a jerk,” is much less precise (and thus less honest) than “When you said that my work wasn’t up to par, I felt as though the strenghts of my work were not attended to, which felt very upsetting to me.” There are also many misconceptions about what respectful and empathic communication is. For instance, many believe that being empathic (trying to understand things from another’s perspective) means that we have to give up expressing our honest feelings. Nothing can be further from the truth; we can attempt to understand others and respectfully share own own perspectives in the same conversation. The first step in communicating in HRE ways is often a solid understanding about how to do so.
- Understand why HRE Communication makes sense logically. Sometimes, HRE Communication can be dismissed as something that is “emotionally nice,” but not logical or practical in the so-called “real world.” Understanding the logic behind such communication can be critical to feeling comfortable committing to honest, respectful, empathic communication. One major barrier to such communication is the (always invalid) belief that we have “the one best way” to do or understand things. A major reason that this is impossible for any one person has to do with “psychological contaminants” (which result in inevitable blind spots) that we all experience. For a variety of reasons, there is information that we either miss or ignore that others may not. Recognizing this fact can increase our desire to communicate our perspectives honestly while also respecting others’ views and empathically attempting to understand them.
- If deemed helpful, utilize the “IOC” Method of structuring HRE communication. Another common barrier to HRE communication is the lack of a structure to help us to communicate in this new way. One structure of more honest, respectful and empathic communication is what we call the OIC method (Observing, Imagining, Checking Out). Honesty is covered by clearly communicating what we observe and what that observation causes us to imagine about what it happening (for example, “I observe that you have your head down on the table. I imagine that you are tired.”). Respect for the other(s) involved in the communication comes from “checking out” our observation/imagination (for example, “Is that right or am I misperceiving things?”). Empathy comes from listening to others’ responses (for example, “No, I’m not tired at all, actually – just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.”). The OIC Method can help us engage more frequently in HRE communication.
NOTE TO THOSE USING THE MISSION FULFILLMENT SYSTEM: You can move toward enhanced Interpersonal Expertise by adding a new Objective to your system by using the “Add New Item” link (for example, “Engage in more honest, respectful and empathic communications with others”). You can then develop a SMART Goal related to that new Objective by using the “Add Subitem” link to the far right of the new Objective (for example, “Practice the OIC Method with at least 1 person a day every week.”).
FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT ON THE MISSION FULFILLMENT SYSTEM: Click here to for more information and click here to sign up.
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Article Filed under: Interpersonal Expertise Tips
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